all that you are going through now,
not that i dun understand..
I DO!
but do you understand how i feel?
no!
you dun understand how i feel..
you dun understand how everything means to me..
you dun understand at all..
do you?
i dun wan to be breaking down every now and then again..
frankly speaking,
if you were me,
where do you think u stand in my heart?
things you say and the things you do is different.
you'd say i mean alot to you..
sorry but i dun feel it..
you'd say that you understand..
sorry but i dun feel it either!
tell me!
why is it that everytime i'm with you, i get upset..
i kept thinking if we shld ever get back together in the first place.
not that i want to think that way..
i realli dun..
but everytime things turn out the other way.
seriously i dun feel much effort from you already..
tell me where is the effort?
i closed my heart once when i decided to end the relationship..
you asked me for a chance..
i could see then you did changed..
i gave you the chance you wanted..
i opened my heart once again..
now, what did i get?
seriously!
i dun feel that i'm important to you..
important to you only when you need me to do sth..
WHERE AM I STANDING IN YOUR HEART?
STANDING? SQUATTING? HIDING?
IS TT WHY YOU CAN'T SEE ME?
you might think that i'm being unreasonable or whatever..
but you realli dun understand my feelings..
i had enough of being emotional/upset every couple of days..
you dun understand what i'm going through in this relationship..
or should we just re-evaluate and see if we shld be together?
i'm not the independent kinda girl..
i rely alot on people..
i rely alot on the promises made,
i rely on the hopes that i have..
but with you, i've learnt to not have any hopes..
cause majority of the time,
my hopes are dashed..
but i still carry hope sometimes, thinking that this time round, things will be different..
but i dun see much now..
maybe if you see this,
you'd think that i dun understand you, that i'm misunderstanding you.
PUT URSELF IN MY SHOE!!
CAN YOU SEE WHY I AM SO UPSET?
i'm not ur priority..
am i even supposed to be in the first place!?

why do i have the sudden urge to burst into tears?
i can't seem to find my feelings back from few days ago..


i just want to feel that i'm needed..
not only when you need me..
there are times when i just wish you're here with me..
when i just hope that i have at least ur hand to hold..
i realli dun wan to go back to how i was the last time..
the part where i would get emotional/upset every other alternate days..
i realli dunno wat to do..

sometimes i feel like i'm a kid..
i just really wanna meet baby..
yes i noe i shldn't be sulking cause he is going to study afterall..
but, when u asked me if i wan to come and dan u sound as if u dun wan me to be there afterwards..
i realli feel lousy..
lousy cause i was REALLY hoping to be meeting you but..
i guess i should have known better dan to put my hopes high..
i should have known all along that my hopes burst into tiny tiny fragments everytime/most of the time..
isn't this so since we got together 2 yrs ago?
i guess sometimes it's the way we all say things..
seems like after so long, you still dun really noe how to talk to me..
you dunno how to say it to me in a way whereby i wouldn't feel upset, feel lousy, feel like a rubbish!
and dan,
my mood is spoilt..
sometimes, or rather, most of the time, i feel like i'm alone..
i actually feel lonely..
no one realli understands..
no one believes that I am lonely anyway..
but the loneliness is eating into me..
:(
maybe it's my fault for wanting to meet you..
maybe it's my fault for not being understanding..
maybe it's just my fault..
i'm just not the independent type of person which you might hope that I am..
NO! no! no..

i am so super pissed with ms giraffe no. 1..
zzz..
everything is my fault, my problem..
everything push to me..
"oh! eeling noes how to do rite? eeling do lor!"
"eeling owes me the attendance for 1 staff!"
"shld be changed by eeling last time de!"
FUCK YOU!
it was bean's idea to teach ur BELOVED 'baby' to do the reports.
dun come and push it to me saying i noe how to do..
and the attendance, nt tt i owe you!
i already told you i dun have the records for the employee going for training and i DID tell u tt i'm checking with the supervisor!
if supervisor nv inform me, how do i know? and you clearly REFUSED to check with prawn paste chicken when someone told u to but NO~ you keep insisting tt everything was done by ME!
HELLO~ I HAVE A SUPERVISOR!
and then, bean nv asked me to change anything ok!
if she did and i didn't do she would have questioned or at the very least told someone the whole story!


i dun like u abit! not even abit!


FUCK YOU!
dun come and throw everything to me.
dun think tt you are being respected like this.
dun think tt because you are a SENIOR, you're a big shot.
FYI, YOU ARE NOT!


RUBBISH! sometimes i realli hate working! i'm like dragging my feet or rather my whole body to work everyday!
working with YOU YOU YOU spoil my day!


i'm being vulgar and rude and i really dun care!


FUCK YOU!
GO TO HELL!!






somehow i think i'm either stressed up at work or i realli love my work so much so that i'm dreaming bout ppl from my workplace for the past 3 - 4 consecutive days!! but i think i'm more probably stressed up with work rather then loving my work.
i'm thinking of changing jobs.
just haven fully decided yet.
hais..
i wanna go k to vent all my frustrations!
but baby's not free all the way till july cause he has got exams..
and somehow i think wun be celebrating much for my bday since baby has got to study.. :(
ARGH!

was having potluck last sunday at ellen's hse..
fun fun fun!!
saw a quite aggressive hamster..
:)


monday and tuesday was stressful for me!!
chalotte was on leave and all her travel stuffs i have to take over..
though she settled all, but there are still 1 or 2 last min things..
and cause i have nv done it before..
so was abit struggling.. :P
but now it's finishing up soon.. :)
and that binnie is super irritating..
sometimes she is just so inconsiderate..
really wonder why..
and the things she says..
sometimes is not accurate at all but when u try to explain or sth, she will still just insist she is right.
super irritated by her today..
wonder how long more i can stand her..


was having headache towards the end of the day..
was really having the urge to meet baby probably for dinner or sth..
but ended up he had to stay back and work OT..
so i went JP alone instead..
sometimes i really just wanna meet baby but he just couldn't make it..
it's not like it is his fault cause he was working..
i noe i can't blame him for tt but..
just wanna spend more time together..
it's like..
mon, wed & fri he'll be having lessons..
i wouldn't mind going over to meet him after his lesson but dan sometimes he would say tt it's too late even though it was a friday when i asked..
tue and thurs he's practically working OT..
even though sat is considered our day,
but by the time we meet would be already ard afternoon bout 4+
and sun he'll be meeting his grp to either study or do project..
somehow it goes back to how we were in the past where i only have 1 day to really meet him..
but dan again, i noe he is doing sch stuffs and work..
i can't blame him for tt..
i guess i can only blame myself..
why do i need to much attention?
why can't i just do things alone?
why must i be dependent on anyone?
but i have been like this for all these years..
how can i change?
on the plus side, i am going home earlier, ironing the clothes more frequently..
i guess tt's the only consolation prize for all these..
oh well..