another day gone by...
the haze situation is getting from bad to worse with psi hitting 371 at a point of time!
even though haze is here, i still feel like going out..
but ended up i'm stuck at home..
i just dun feel like staying home since i've been stuck at home quite often nowadays..
but dan again, even if i really go out, we will all end up questioning about where to go and wat to do..
but it's just that i really wanna go out and have a walk..
but dear's always busy..
ever since he started all these, it's been some time since we last really have any quality time together..
the last time when i do get him to myself was when he was sick..
otherwise it's always between me, army, outside stuffs which includes overseas trips, malaysia trips, meetings, meetings, and more meetings and so so much more!
:( :( :(
i might sound like an insensitive gf but it's just that i realli hope i get to see him more..
esp for me when i really do need quite a lot of attention from him..
and dan i get upset so easily..
it's hard not to breakdown..
there's so much feelings inside me..
i dun wanna go bonkers 1 day...



papa birthday today!
went out for dinner at tradehub 21's sakae teppanyaki.. :)
everything feels so right until dear tell me that he needs to leave and reach camp by 11pm..
:(
i noe he did tell me before i left hse in the evening tt he has to go meet them..
but.. i din expect it to be so fast..
cause we still had a part 2 celebration with a cake @ home..
and he's like rushing off in a not-rushing kinda way..
and i noe i told him tt we'll be having a celebration for papa wat..
ok.. so maybe i am expecting too much..
expecting him to be here throughout the celebration..
but it just doesn't seem right without him ard and when i noe he shld be here with me..
he's always meeting them, always last min cancelling me or maybe more to last min shortening our time together..
i noe it's not his fault or anything..
but i just wanna be able to spend the day with him..
a whole day without him always looking at his phone, always on his phone talking to others...
why can't i have his whole attention just like before?
yes. i noe that he's striving hard for his career..
but what bout me?
much as i wan to convince myself all these are just temporary or sth..
i can't really do it cause everytime he tells me that he'll spend the day with me, it ends up being just a portion..
it might seem harsh saying this but sometimes i feel like i dunno which part i can believe, which part i shld ignore..
so i feel like i meant nth to him..
reason?
cause there are times when what i say just fell on deaf ears..
i'm upset for all reason but mainly cause he couldnt be with me..
and dan there's the part where he'll always be on his phone! :(
argh!!
i hate this feeling..
really hate it..
i tried to be as understanding as possible.. but can i really do it all the time?
there are times when i hope he'll understand how i really feel each time..
but sometimes, i just keep quiet cause i really dunno wat else to say..
cause he wun change his plans for me & prob he would think tt i'm not understanding enuff..
so whats the point of saying anything?
in a way, i'm tired of these..
i just wan him beside me..
maybe tt 1 sentence is just too much to ask for....

i love him..
but everything between her and him is affecting me, distracting me..
couldn't really concentrate at work much after seeing tt msg..
cause i dunno if things are gonna be settled or not?
and judging by wat i see frm msges, it just isnt..
saw her msg saying tt they forgot to apply her long term..
they i would think is the both of them,
and the long term, most logical would be the long term pass..
and since long term pass needs to have a sponsor,
if it's not the co, its the spouse..
so wat is it now?
and while we're having mac for supper, happened to chance upon this topic..
i tried to ask but as soon as i ask, i get the why-you-must-ask-me kinda tone..
so i just replied a nvm.
but the more he doesn't wan to share, the more insecure i am..
but he would think that talking bout it is so irritating.
dan what bout me dangling over here?

checked my ipad before went off to bed..
and saw that she msged sth..
asking to meet tml, says cause need to apply for hdb & to bring the kid back..
i'm not against the bringing kid back but...
apply hdb?
is this a new/seperate hdb other dan the yishun one or wat?
so.. i'd presume that things are just going great between them ehs?
let me go if that's the case..
though i wun wan to but if tt's really the case, if i'm really breaking them up when they can have a new chance of getting together, let me go..
maybe we wun be in that much problems..

with everything tt is going on,
sometimes i can't help but feel that maybe for the time being, we shld have just ended and let him settle everything before we even continue.
but i can't bring myself to do tt..
but if this keeps eating into me, is tt right too?
i'm left dangling but the worst i felt was when he refuse to share anything with me.
it's not easy to just ignore everything just because he says so..
stuffs are still lingering in my mind...
it's really painful..
i noe it might seems as if i'm pushing but..
when will this thing ever come to a conclusion?

great!
now i feel like breaking down.

my dear,
do you noe how i feel?

you'd say i wun understand how u feel..
but its because i noe how u feel that's y i tried not to say anything to you..
so that you wun feel any add-on stress from all that you're feeling..
but seriously,
how much longer can i take?
i do wan to trust that things will end by this year..
i really hope tt for once it will be true..
but now,
i dunno anymore..
i wish i wish i really wish...
will it be granted? :(