Friday, July 31, 2020 ♥
我 ♥ 3:56 PM
我好像有点撑不下去了
如果有一天我放手了，不是我不爱你了，而是我太爱你了
我真的好爱你
Monday, July 27, 2020 ♥
life as we know it ♥ 3:37 PM
we often see faults in others, just not ourselves.
sometimes we do see our own faults, know our mistakes, tried to do sth about it and yet, still be pushed aside.
sometimes we feel things but choose not to say.
not to say because we know some things, once it leaves the mouth, it is irreversible.
sure, we do say things out of anger, when we are backed into the corner.
we regret these moments but whats said cannot be unsaid.
bottling up might not be good for ourselves.
at times we do want to share it with people, but people judge.
so, in the end, we swallow everything back.
feel sad but sometimes, that is life.
Wednesday, July 22, 2020 ♥
his outburst ♥ 3:03 PM
a simple question of me asking him if he's home alr triggered an outburst.
said that i have not been asking him that for 3 months.
said that i broke his heart into pieces when he was at his lowest point, with no money and all because i wanted to reconsider the r/s
but the reason that i told him that i wanted to reconsider was only because he kept hounding me on what is bothering me when i just wanted to think it thru myself. i told him the tot of reconsidering the r/s did crossed my mind. but honestly till now, i have never really reconsidered it.
during that period, he had gotten scammed and the main was not cause of the scam but cause he didnt tell me the truth and that he went ahead with the loan. yes, i understand how terrible he felt and that was why i did not say much about it. but, is it wrong for me to feel insecure all over?
and now he blames me for that.
said i pushed him away during that period. honestly i started pushing away since before the scam. and yes. i admit i felt that i should probably have done better at supporting him then. so now that i realised my mistake, i tried to make amends. but he says he's the only one who is giving in his all. questions why till now it is still only him who is putting his all. so what? ive not been trying to make amends. maybe it's little by little but isnt it unfair to say that?
ive said im sorry for that few months, but he keeps harping on his pain during that 3 months, now, when it has pass. i understand his pain but harping on it now, does it change anything? he says hes tired. and when he says that im not trying, blames me for not making a decision on what to eat the other day when hes tired. what does this mean? all along ive been like this. if theres things that i wan to eat, i would suggest, otherwise anything is fine. shouldnt he have known about it? was there any difference in how it is to the past? does this proves that i love him any less?
throughout this whole incident, i have no idea what is it that he really wants. to me, it felt like an attempt to find fault with me, maybe to find a reason to end this. when i was trying to get close, he became so distant. he ended off saying time will show us if we should stay or part. so we are leaving it all to time without anything to fight for is it?
met him today for lunch, our first meeting since the incident. but i still felt a distance. i felt the awkwardness. i felt like he didnt want to continue anymore. i felt like how i felt last year, the hardest year of all. and time to time, i felt the tears creeping, threatening to fall.
he didnt ask if i wanted to leave together after work. he just said he needs to leave at the specific time and said that im staying later right? so i should stay later right?
now, i really feel like i wanna cry.
maybe.. he will be happier if hes with her.
maybe things will be better if hes with her.
maybe im the wrong person.
maybe im meant to be alone all this time.
and honestly, im prepared for that.
Saturday, July 11, 2020 ♥
单 ♥ 6:47 PM
或许更适合单着吧