maybe being alone is better.
this way, there will be no hurts, no tears.
is it time for me to let go?
to let go and understand that he probably will nv come back.

deep down i think i noe it better than anyone else, even himself.
a part of me wants to hold on to this.
another part of me just wanna let go of all this pain.

will i regret if i hold on?
will i regret if i let go?

i love him so much but at the end of the day, whatever i have gotten at the end of all this is just not worth it all.
even if i say it's not worth it, i still cant. i cant.

but maybe he has already decided on his decision.
texted him in the morning but there wasnt any reply.
maybe he doesnt wanna reply me anymore..

ive cried so much, till i have no tears left.
and yet, the tears somehow crept out at different timing, different places.
sometimes feel the need to cry for no reasons.
even when im not thinking about anything.

im not going into depression am i?




what is this?
爱理不理..
as if i am not tortured enuff.
Fuck

im wondering if sth happened in Turkey.
i have this feeling maybe something did..
like maybe he decided to propose or sth.
im really not sure.. i dun wish for it to be true but if it really is, does that explain his behavior towards me now that he's back?
can't be just because jet lag rite?
if sth really happened, why can't just tell me?
hais.
i hate this.

maybe i shld just play around instead.
i'll probably be happier, free from all these sickening emotions.

i call him my baby..
what am i to him?

everytime when he doesnt reply me, my mind wanders off to thoughts like he must be busy with her. yes, there's no wrong in that but still.. but i do realise some of the time, he actually is just doing his own stuff..

everytime we touch, everything feels right. with him beside me, feels so secure..
though he says april is the time for change, even he does not noe what change to expect and me? as much as i hope that the change will be in my favor, i dun dare to hope for it.

and then there is the trip to turkey he is going with her.. it will still happen... right? i dun wan it to but who am i to say anything? who am i to ask him not to go? even if i say, will he really not go? was his 'i try' the other time when i ask him if he could not go just a passing remark to console me? how much longer can i hold on? how much more can i take?

and that huawei phone.. i noe i noe.. i dun have the rights to ask him not to clone his phone so that it mirrors his s9 but.. i really dun wanna see her photo in it. call me selfish. call me petty. i really dun wan to. i mean.. he says for me, he choose the colour that i love. dan if that's the case, can it be for me that he dun put her pic inside? but im sure.. im sure if he's going to turkey, he would bring the phone, he would take photos.. and there will be their photo inside. i guess im just struggling with myself.

none. none of the things is within my control. everything depends on him. and yet..

i think i am heaty.. a portion of my left gum on the roof of the mouth is swollen. its pain but nt that pain when my tongue presses against it. and i feel that my throat is starting to act up. i hope it's just heaty and nth serious though. but if i told him. would he bother about me? would he feel any pain for me?

i mean, all i could do is type out my feelings, my thoughts.. but all these words are not enuff to describe how i feel. there is so much indescribable feeling that im feeling and yet, i have got nowhere to release. so here i am, trying to release parts of it, hoping that i would feel better.. but who am i kidding? will it?

i am probably just a fool for trying to hold on when people who noes have been telling me to let go. but they arent me. they dunno how i feel. how much i love him. why do i love him? i cant even tell the reason, i just do. it doesnt have to have any reason right? i mean, it is just how i feel. never have i loved anyone so badly that i am willing to just be his spare (ok at times i sort of feel that way). maybe he doesnt see me as that but.. he has an official one. so im just a 3rd party.

i noe how bad it is to have a 3rd party disrupting the r/s and it is sth that i say i wun ever get myself into and yet, here i am, slapping myself with the situation that i got myself into. but i really really do love him.. so much so that i can't let go. at times, im tired of everything. but when night comes and i fall asleep in his arm, everything just feels right.

i just really love him. am i bad for wanting them to end?